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Newsletter Archive

Issue 30

--- THE NEWBIE CLUB™ INSIDER Issue 30 May 18th, 2001

Written by Tom Glander,
and Joe Robson,

You receive the INSIDER as a benefit of membership in
The Newbie Club™. Your membership details are...

==> Name: %name%
==> Address: %email%

Manage your membership information here:

All replies go straight into cyberspace and will not be read!
Use the email addresses given in this newsletter!"


Buy One - Get The Other One Free!

Cure your PC rage!. This Newbie Club™ series of 52 picture-driven
tutorials will end your frustration for ever. See why someone
once said that it should be included in every new PC sold. Hey,
when you Buy the CD, the download version comes FREE. So you can
send the CD to a friend! Sounds like a good deal to me. CLICK
HERE .....


<< MENU >>

==> 1. Tom's Thoughts: "Hey, I'm a Newbie!"
==> 2. Tutorial ... "Is Your Cursor Crazy?"
==> 3. Joe's Place ... "A Great Fun Get-Together"
==> 4. Joe's Geek-Speak Ad Discovery of the Week
==> 5. Tutorial ... "Executing Your Programs"
==> 6. Linda's Office ... "Toolbar Time"
==> 7. Administrivia ... "Nothing trivial when it's needed."


-------- Unsolicited Testimonial

I became totally engrossed in it for over two hours, and I'm
still not anywhere finished! It's really outstanding! This is
another example of The Newbie Club™ never being boring. I never
knew my keyboard could do that stuff, let alone "how" to do it.

I absolutely love it!

Mary (email withheld for privacy reasons)

<< Re: Keyboard MAGIC! >>

1. --- Tom's Thoughts:

Hello %name%,

Three points about this membership business you may need to

1. You can change your name or email address at any time, and
the info will be updated in our database. Do that in one
location only:

2. If you have trouble getting into the site, you know, like
the idiot robot says he doesn't recognize your email address,
that's because he's really, really stupid. And if your computer
system doesn't fully cooperate with our server, the worst thing
that can happen is you'll have to enter your email address each
time you try to visit the site.

3. WebTV users may have the biggest problem with this. If
you're using WebTV, you'll most likely have to enter your email
address every time you visit the site...

*** OKAY, Membership bits are over with! ***

You may be used to seeing Internet addresses ending with
the letters ".htm"... and wonder what the ".php" means. All
it means is we're using some new-fangled techie-language to
do our pages with now. Actually, our fluffy-chinned whiz-kid
is doing that stuff, and I'm learning.

Hey, I'm a Newbie!! I'm learning this new 'php' language
and do I ever feel like I'm Alice in Wonderland. So believe
me when I say I know the feeling of struggling with the new
world of technology! We're 'joined at the hip' here, okay?
The best way we can learn is by making use of the Forum and
the Clinic. With nearly 2,000 posts in the Forum, you've got
to visit... and nearly 1,000 questions asked of the Doc in
the Clinic..., we've got you

Yea, I use the Clinic, too! Just remember, if your question is
pretty intense, or hard to understand, or takes extra research,
your answer will be delayed. Doc wants to make sure your
question is handled with appropriate care, so give him time.
And don't be afraid to follow up if you don't like his answer!
Just like a real world Doc, you have that right. Except the
clinic Doc won't charge you for each minute of his time. :-)

And that's all I have to say about that!

Okay, let's get on with the meat of this message. We've got
some great tutorials for you, hopefully super simple to and
easy to understand.

Take care,

Tom :-) (Ooh, two smiley faces in the same section. One more
and I'd be disqualified as a writer by certain individuals...)


Geek-Speak Buster: "Emoticon"

In Keyboard Magic, I listed over 1,000 of these odd
little gizmos... you know, the little 'figures' that
when looked at sideways appear as faces, figures, etc.
They're called emoticons, and are used to express some
emotion. The most popular is the smiley face... :-)
Others are listed here...

==> frowney face... :-(
==> sarcastic face... ;-)
==> wry humor face... :-/
==> black eye... !-(
==> hit by baseball bat... !*|:-()

...and the list just goes on and on. I have to refer
to Keyboard Magic! frequently to look these up,
and haven't printed the list yet. And then there's
all the keyboard shortcuts... get your own copy of
this amazing $9.95 e-book here:


-------- How To Build Your Very Own First Website.

The Newbie Club™ Website Builder is a 4 volume library written
by 3 successful Internet Marketers and a NEWBIE!. The result is
a stunning Newbie-Speak publication that details everything you
need to know to create, write, design, automate, backup, promote
and publish your own first Website. All in 2 days using FREE
programs and graphics! This blockbuster blows away the myths
once and for all. Click here for
FREE TRIAL and FREE 5 part emailed course.

2. Putting a Stop to Crazy Cursor Antics

Do you notice your cursor doing the herky jerky across the
screen as you whirl in for a double click on your My Computer
icon? Erratic behavior is common amongst mechanical mice, as
they have a little ball inside that rotates three rollers.

These rollers get covered with gunk and junk, mostly cat
hair in my house, and need cleaning. And yes, a dirty roller
will indeed cause jerky cursor action!

Janet (not her real name) called me three days ago, glowing
over The Newbie Club™. She had lots of questions, and one of
them was about this very topic.

"Turn the mouse over," I instructed in my best British accent.
(Yes, Joe, I've been practicing.) "There's a little round
plate on the bottom that the mouse ball peeks through. It'll
have directional arrows on it. Rotate the plate with your
fingers in the direction of the arrows."

So she did.

"OH! The ball fell right out! Is that okay?"

"Yes, indeed." And that's exactly the way it works. Once the
ball falls out, you can see the miniature rolling pins and the
little wheel. Use a pocket knife, a paper clip, or the edge
of a push pin to get down in there and clean the crud off
those rollers and wheel.

You'll be amazed at how much stuff gathers in there in just a
week's time. And if you tire of this maintenance task, just
go out and buy an optical mouse. It has no rolling ball, no
moving parts, and never needs this kind of delicate attention.

Bottom line: If your cursor looks like it's having a seizure,
check the mouse ball compartment. That's where it keeps its
brain. And that'll fix your crazy cursor!


Discover how to create stunning letters, presentations,
greeting cards, promotional materials, memos, reports
and more - just like the professionals. 'MS Word MAGIC'
is the latest Newbie-Speak ebooklet from the Newbie
Club. And it's guaranteed to delight Newbies and Not-So
Newbies alike - all for just $9.95!
Read about it here


3. Joe's Place ... "A Fantastic Fun Get-Together in Reno"

Hi there %name% How's things?

Hey, did you know there's a two day FUN get together in Reno at
the end of September? This is not your everyday 'Make-a Million-
in-a Weekend' seminar. This is for Newbies and those who are
working - or wanting to start - an Internet business from home!

Tom and I will be guest speakers there, so I think that tells you
how much FUN we'll be having. Tom's already stained his pants
twice at the thought of standing in front of 25,000 people. Then
when I convinced him he's not *that* popular he calmed down a
little. Hey Tom" said I, "you're name's Tom Glander - not Tom
Cruise". But what the heck, it's a great chance for us to meet
you, and try and help in some way to show you how you really can
start an Internet business from home. That's what Tom and I did!

To the best of my knowledge this is the first get together for
Newbies and Internet Home Business owners ever organized. Did I
say organized? Tom and I - or should I say Techie Ted and Newbie
Ned - will be trying to cause as much chaos as we can. And I've a
sneaking suspicion that the other speakers will be doing just as
much damage. But what a line up of laid-back very savvy
contributors they are ...

Rick Beneteau - Canada
Bob Massa - USA
Rhoberta Shaler - USA
Bill Burdin - Australia
Joan Bramsch - USA
Gary Knuckles - USA
Tom 'Brown Pants' Glander - USA
Joe Robson - Quaint Thatched Cottage in UK
Techie Ted - Geekland
Newbie Ned - Cuckoo Land.

It's being arranged (notice I didn't say organized ) by JL Scott
of iCOP and the emphasis is on having FUN while you learn - Hey
that's The Newbie Club's motto!

And, yes, it does cost to get in. But this is for the likes of
you and me - so the ticket price is a mere fraction of the normal
'Conference' fees. And the Hotel is an absolute Wow! So take off
your sneakers before you enter - and leave 'em off for the rest
of your stay. This is gonna be a GREAT weekend!

Look, I'm traveling all the way from the UK to be there - THAT'S
how good I think it's gonna be. But there again, I have inside
information. I'm even bringing my wife Rita. See how much I'm
prepared to suffer to have fun? So before you read the rest of
this newsletter, get yourself over to iCOP at and get the lowdown. If you
miss this, you'll kick yourself!

Besides %name%, I'd really like to meet you in the flesh. Ermmm,
no, I'm afraid it's not *that* kind of a get-together!

Keep smilin' %name%. I'm really looking forward to meeting you.

P.S. There's a massive discount for early birds. But there's a
time limit. After that the incentive discount expires. So get
over now and see what it's all about at ...


------ Finally. A Totally Newbie-Friendly Unzipper!

Some Zip programs are frustratingly confusing to use. But it's
essential to have one if you're downloading stuff from the Net.
'Unzip Wizard' is so simple it's impossible to go wrong. That's
because it's specifically designed with Newbies in mind. And
The Newbie Club™ has arranged a special discount for you at this
page. So now you can save AND unzip without embarrassment! This is a stunner!

4. Joe's Geek-Speak Ad Discovery of the Week

-------- KeepItSimple

"KeepItSimple software allows you to put your shortcuts on a
hideaway menu, and use them whenever you wish".

I've tried it but don't know if it works - I can't find the
hideaway menu!


---------------- "MAGIC!" ----------------

Many people believe their magic mouse is the be-and-end-all of
modern technology. Click this, click that, right click, left
click, double click, somersault and middle click - magic! And
who can blame them? After all they've never been shown a better
way! But the savvy one's learn all about those mysterious
keyboard keys, and their lives - and creativity - are
transformed. Read about The Newbie Club's latest best seller
'Keyboard MAGIC! and transform your computer habits - it's so
easy! Prepare for lift-off at

5. Executing Your Programs

In our ongoing attempt to blast techie-speak into oblivion,
I'll launch into a joyful explanation of a concept you can't
do without.

If you're using a Windows based computer (and you are) then
you'll want to know that you're an executioner. That's right.
We're not talking lethal injections here, so hold on. Whether
you agree with capital punishment or not, you are indeed doing
the executioner's job ... right on your computer!

Okay, okay. Here's how. When you double click on an icon, you
are "executing" that icon's program. You see, icons--those
pretty little pictures that clutter your desktop--all represent
files, programs, sounds, etc. And the word 'execute' means "to
start up." Okay, if you're a techie who's signed up for
membership with The Newbie Club™, you know what I'm talking
about. So get away from the phone and resist the urge to call
me and "tell me like it really is." :-)

You'll notice that certain downloads have three letters after
them... "exe". That's short for "executable" and means the file
will do something when you double click on it. So you see,
you must execute a file to bring it to life. This is totally
backwards from what we normally think, but then, isn't that
par for the course with computers? And golf?

Executable files are very common, and very scary to some. They
think that an exe file will contain a virus. And it could. But
viruses are most commonly shared by email. The executable
programs we deliver to you are all virus free. They've been
scanned, were created in a clean environment free for viral
debris, so you can rest assured that next time you execute one
of our e-books, you'll get only clean, refreshing info you can
use to grow even smarter.

Do the double-click. And execute an icon today!


Microsoft Word - it's for typing letters isn't it? Hardly.
Flyers, posters, reports, greeting cards, letters, html email,
and even Web pages are much easier to produce, if you fully
understand how to exploit WORD to its maximum. And many
of its tools and features are used many other programs, so your
learning curve with new software can be dramatically reduced.

So trust The Newbie Club™ to come up with a stunning range of
Newbie-Speak eBooklets, bursting with screen captures,
exercises and pictures that make the World's favorite program
crystal clear - and FUN! Read about it here: and prepare to be amazed
at the low price of just $9.95!

6. Linda's Office Corner: "Toolbar Time"

Customizing Your Toolbars in All Office Programs

Do you find that your toolbars are filled with things you never
use or are missing the things you use most? Well, you can
easily change them to suit your needs.

In any Office program, click on the Tools menu and select
"Customize". In this dialog box, click on the "Commands" tab at
the top. In here you will see a list of all of your menus in
the left pane. Highlighting any one on the left will display
all of the commands from that menu on the right. If you see
one you would like to add to your toolbar(s), just left click
and drag it up to the toolbar. When you see a black line where
you want to put it, let go of your mouse button and it will
appear there. To remove any you don't want, just left click
and drag them off the toolbar and into the Customize box.

You can do lots of customizing to your toolbars while you have
this box open. Try RIGHT clicking on any button on your
toolbars and in this menu you will see a choice that says
"Change button image" with a black arrow pointing to the right.
If you hover your mouse over this, a submenu will pop out that
gives you some choices for new images for your buttons. Simply
click on the one you want.

There's also a choice in this menu that says "Edit button
image", where you can actually draw your own pictures!

Just remember that none of these options are available to you
unless you have this Customize box open. Have fun trying new
things. And if you make changes you don't like and can't
figure out how to get things back the way they were, just
click on the Toolbars tab in this box and hit the "Reset"
button and everything will go back to the defaults!

Hang in there!


Linda Johnson is an MS Office personal tutor, with a terrific
Website which is now better than ever. Check it out at


So you're not such a Newbie after all? Like to know what makes
Windows act the way it does? Then this ebook will give you a
quick, easy understanding of your PC's Brain. It's called 'The
Registry For Newbies' and you can read all about it here
See Techie-Speak translated into Newbie-Speak by an expert!


FREE Newbie Club™ Courses - by email. Just send a blank email
for the course you need. It's delivered every few days to your
desktop - automatically! (AOL users must remove the "mailto:"
part of the address, and type the address into your email
client's send to line. Life with AOL is tough!)

First Website Builder 5 part course:

Backing up your stuff:

Organize your files:

10 PC tips:

Finding files:

Take the load off your PC:

See how easy it is to get info to people? Get your own FREE
autoresponders at


Got your FREE exclusive Newbie Club™ eBooks yet?

"Guide To The Internet - An Overview" features the combined
advice of 18 of the Internet's most successful marketers.

"Scientific Advertising On The Internet" contains the world
famous Claude C. Hopkins' Classic, (currently being sold at
Amazon for $11.96) plus observations and Copywriting Tutorials
by Newbie Club™ co-founder Joe Robson, who is also co-author of
the blockbuster "Make Your Words Sell" with Ken Evoy. Details

Get both Newbie Club™ books FREE from The Newbie Club Academy at


Need a Trustworthy Webhost for your Website? The Newbie Club™ has
exactly what you're looking for. With features and benefits too
numerous to list, we have 3 options to choose from. So whether
you're a Newbie or a Pro you'll be blown away by what we have to
offer - and we talk in Newbie-Speak! It's all explained at


I want to finish up with a warm thanks to our wonderful new
Customer Care Expert--Jann Gentry. She's gone to Savannah for
four days on a photo assignment... so I'll have to stand in
and answer email for her. When she gets back, she'll no doubt
have even more wonderful digital photos she'll share via her
web site at If you want to write to
Jann about "stuff" do it here: And if
you're struggling with your Digital Camera, Jann's Digicam MAGIC!
ebook is a Wow. It's at

That'll do it for now!

All the best,


6. Administrivia

To make changes to your membership details, such as updating
your name or email address, or unsubscribing (huh?), visit this
specially prepared page:

Click==> and check on
your details now! You should see yourself listed there as ...

Name: %name%
Address: %email%

Back issues of the INSIDER are found here...

... and I beg - sorry encourage - you to forward this email to
someone you know. Just don't spam anyone with it!

The TNC INSIDER is a publication of The Newbie Club™ and is
owned by Roglan International LLC, whose partners are
Tom Glander and
Joe Robson

(C) 2001 The Newbie Club™ All Rights Reserved

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